POLICE SKETCH ARTIST: so what exactly did the “shapeshifter” look like?
[the easel makes a throat-slitting gesture]
ME: …I dont remember
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Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
“I shot the sheriff but I did not shoot the deputy” is my favorite lyric about murdering law enforcement officials in moderation.
Me: does it bother you that there are 52 full-sized teeth hiding in the baby’s head?
Her: well it does now
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
Him: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because I constantly use my toes as fingers?
Him: yes
Me: *wipes a tear off of his face with my big toe* Okay
Husband: Can I use your phone?
Me: *throwing phone in the ocean* My what?
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
I had no idea so much of my married life was going to be spent listening to my husband complain about the price of gas, yet here we are.
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
[date started at 9 pm]
[9:30 pm] Her: I love long awkward silences.
[10:20 pm] Me: Me too.
I have a friend who’s band is playing this weekend. He said the doors open at 7 but I’m pretty sure Jim Morrison is dead.
Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
I never understood how Scooby and Shaggy could be convinced to do something they didn’t want to do with just a Scooby Snack until my wife said she’d make me a cheese platter if I cleaned out my closet.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
gross i hate the word moist! give me a wet cake. give me a wet, damp cupcake
Be warned….if you fly Spirit, everything is an upgrade fee.
Choose your seat? $10 fee
Check a bag? $30 fee
Want a pilot? $50 fee
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
When you’re firing off drunk texts & you see the 3 dots