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INTERVIEWER: It says here you can communicate telepathically?
ME:
IN: Is this an ability you have always had?
ME:
IN: Please say something.
No, I understood you perfectly. I just have resting confused face.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic Peopleβs Republic of Korea. Thatβs like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
wife: didnβt i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: iβll call the turtle guy
wife: youβll call the turtle guy
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
Weather app: The dew point is 20.
Me, being lazy: The do point is 0.
It’s just sad how often I see zookeepers breaking their own “Don’t Feed the Animals” rule.
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
My apartment is a mess, I should move
That awkward moment when he asks you if you’re mad and you assure him that you’re very happy and he says…
“No, I meant, you seem crazy.”
PERSON: Want a slice?
ME: No thanks, trying to eliminate bread
P: From your diet?
M [having sworn to destroy all bread]: Sure…from my diet
I donβt know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
John Lennon: Help! I need somebody!
Anybody: Iβd be happy toβ
John Lennon: Not just anybody!
Anybody: Okay then.
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Dear guy backing into that tiny parking space.
You’re not Jason Bourne. You don’t need a rapid egress contingency plan for Costco.
RACCOON: I’m being burglarized
911: can u describe him
RACCOON: he’s wearing a mask
911: maybe he’s your
RACCOON: nevermind, itβs my husband
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
How you conduct yourself when using plastic wrap is the real you
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
Me: what do you want for dinner?
3yo: nothing.
Me: you want cheese on that nothing?
3yo: yes please.
So according to the PM, we’re being asked to vote on basis of a plan which we are not allowed to see. You can tell she’s a vicar’s daughter.
Friday, Friday, all gonna die next Friday. Everybody’s gettin’ ready for the world’s end. Gotta make My mind up: Which souls should I take?