Police: We’d like u to come with us to answer some questions about ur husband’s disappearance.
Mrs. Potato Head eating french fries: why?
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A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.
The news is so predictable nowadays
A dog that talks pfft, I’ll be impressed when I see one picks up his own poop.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
Me: I’m going across the street to get a beer.
Priest: You can’t bring a beer in here. This is a church.
Me: I can if it’s in my stomach.
The next wave of scammers will have old people call you
“it must’ve gone to my spam folder” and other lies I tell at work
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.
me: i have good and bad news
her: bad first
me: there’s a dead body in the woods near the train tracks
her: what’s the good news
me: i found waldo
I just want someone to miss me the way my 3 year old nephew misses me when I go to the washroom.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
She: why are you dressed up as a duck?
Me: did you know people feed ducks in the park?
went to the supermarket with my 3 kids and was buying 24 beers and someone said ‘isnt that too many?’ so i said ‘yes’ and put one of my kids on the shelf and they called security
“Mom?”
“Yes?”
“Are we having seafood for dinner?”
“No, why?”
“I heard Dad on the phone.”
“And?”
“He said that he picked up a case of crabs.”
8- “Mom, where do babies come from?”
Me- “From backrubs honey.”
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
I hope everyone at burning man is okay, but I also wanna share that when I lived in San Francisco the week all the Burners left for Burning Man was THE BEST WEEK in the city and we all looked forward to it every year
Why do people say raw sewage. Saying raw makes it sound like it becomes better if cooked properly.
booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”
Beware…..
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
I can’t believe how many women ignore their check engine light.
*ignores high blood pressure*
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best