Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public
– young children
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*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
My 3yo just ate a bunch of almonds and complained his chin hurt from the salt.
I asked him if he wanted a wet napkin to help.
He said he needed a dinner roll to help it.
Now he’s holding a King’s Hawaiian Roll on his chin.
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
“They say some of history’s greatest minds could function on very little sleep” I explain to squirrel as I water the car at 4am
So nice of you to stop by and visit. You must be very busy with all that (squints at logo on card) child protective servicing you do.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Shouldn’t Alien vs. Predator just be called Alien vs. Alien?
why do we call them railroad tracks and not training lines
shit! I’m going to be hairy late!!!!
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
Alcohol
“Umm ok, how about strengths?”
*pouring him a shot* Sharing
I hope they boil the right one.
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
damn he’s good
Writing a personal ad. So far I have:
Has all own teeth
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
It’s funny how—especially in small towns—we think of lit porch lights as a symbol of welcoming. I leave mine on so the guy who paints himself purple won’t steal any more of my chairs.
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Coworker: By your age I was on my 3rd child already.
Me: Wow that’s a lot of kids to eat in a such a short period of time.
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
Funny how I used to see human features in things like electrical sockets, or clouds, or my ex.