Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
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I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
If I was a princess I’d wanna be rapunzel so I could get locked in a tower and get my hair pulled.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
I’ve lost my sense of taste! Do I have the CODIV!! Oh, wait, this is a Coors Light.
The worst thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
The best thing about a Dyson cordless is that you can only vacuum for 15 minutes before the battery dies.
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
New Year’s Eve would be so much better if it happened around sevenish.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
I’m gonna play on a Slip n’ Slide in my front yard tomorrow morning while the kids on my street wait for the school bus. #Hero
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
[performance review]
boss: what would you say is your biggest strength
me: i’m consistent
boss: but you’re late every morning
me: ya
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.
Sometimes I think I want a third kid, then I spend 45 minutes in a full pediatrician’s waiting room and my uterus tries to escape on it’s own.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
I’m not gonna be able to come out tonight I already sat down
“Mmmmm hmmmm! I herd that!”
– a sassy shepherd
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
I HAVE DECIDED TO MAKE A CONSCIOUS DECISION NOT TO HAVE MY MIND “BLOWN” ANYMORE. IF DINOSAURS COME BACK & I SEE ONE I’LL JUST BE LIKE “GOOD”
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!