at this point space aliens could land on earth on sunday night before the election & we’d all go yeah ok whatever
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There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Widow: did he say anything before he passed?
Me: *tearing up* he just said “tell Sheila i love her”
Widow: who the hell is Sheila?
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Waiter: What can I get you?
Me [forgetting the word “waffle”]: I’ll have a graph biscuit.
Checkboxes dating apps /should/ have:
🔲 Willing to sneak snacks into movies
🔲 Good at building blanket forts
🔲 Only sets volume, temp etc. to EVEN numbers
🔲 toilet paper roll goes OVER
🔲 I don’t think the position of the stars when I was born determined my personality
Am I afraid of the dark? No. Will I exit a basement after turning off the lights at normal speed? There is no amount of money in the world.
*ernest hemingway voice*
[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
(at the gym). Hey can somebody spot me while I walk up the stairs?
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I stopped to tie my shoe at the airport and someone reported me as an unattended bag.
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Homemade hand sanitizer, just like Mama used to make.
On the Hot Wheels isle helping a friend pick out a sweet Corvette that she promised her 18yo for graduation. Life’s all about the wording.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
“Dad, you called me my brother’s name.”
I’m sorry *30 second pause* little dude.
Stereotypes are like mass graves. They’re both offensive ways to lump groups of people together
an impostor shall come to you
he shall speak pleasing words and promise you the world
but in his name you shall know him a fraud
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
She said “you’re dead to me” but I suspect she’s planning to make me dead to everyone else as well