[Pollock family game night]
Jackson: K who’s gonna be my partner for Pictionary —
Mom: Not it
Dad: Not it
Sis: Not it
Gramma: DAMN IT
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Vodka giveth and vodka taketh away…
It giveth me a hangover and taketh away my underpants.
Amen.
no mom you don’t get it I used “you’re” instead of “your” as a joke to be ironic on the internet. yes I realize it makes me look silly. no mom colleges don’t care about that. they aren’t gonna look at my twitter. ok. ok yes I understand. im sorry I’ll delete it. I love you too
Please don’t use the phrase, “make love,” unless you’re speaking about what you want to do to a cheeseburger.
Waterboarding at Guantanamo Bay sounds super fun if you don’t know what either of those things are.
One time I ate so much Trader Joe’s tzaziki while I was babysitting that the next day there was a post-it note on it that said “for the kids only” and that’s just one beautiful beautiful moment in my colorful history
Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
I’m not feeling myself today…
…would YOU do it for me?
Gonna say don’t look a gift horse in any orifice
The plot thickens.
Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.
My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
I’m on the fence about whether to continue spying on my next door neighbours.
[at bar]
Gee, I’m so hungry I could eat a horse
*nearby horse slams down his whisky*
COME ON THEN TOUGH GUY
*horse throws the 1st punch*
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Been dating this girl for 7 months and today she asked me, why I don’t have a girlfriend
Toronto Police have found a head, hands, and a foot in a river. There are no theories yet but the hokey pokey has not been ruled out.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
Looking at you, Jesus.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
My teen practicing her lawyer skills, “We’re studying Thailand, can we get Thai food to help me understand the culture better?”
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
Playing I Spy With My Little Eye with my 5 year old daughter, who has now spied “something white” for three consecutive turns. Please send beer.
HER: I can’t believe you made a pillow fort for day drinking in.
ME: ᵖˡᵉᵃˢᵉ ᶜᵃˡˡ ᶦᵗ ᶜᵃˢᵗˡᵉ ᴳʳᵉʸ ᴳᵒᵒˢᵉ ˢᵏᵘˡˡ
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME: ᴵ ʰᵃᵛᵉ ᵗʰᵉ ᵖᵒʷᵉʳ
HER: You have a problem.
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
The neighbors saw me plow over three sprinkler heads trying to back out of the driveway, so now I need to move.