POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
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I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
“What if I took the dumbest person I know, got them severely drunk, and challenged them to finish my sentences?” — inventor of Autocorrect
me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
[in the garden]
Me: Go grab the hose
Son: Okay[15 min later]
Son: *walks up with our neighbors*
Karen: Your son said that you needed Diane and I?
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
“A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step” but so does the one from the living room to the kitchen for snacks and it’s a lot less tiring.
So he says ” Nice glasses” and I say ” Thanks! They’re for seeing ”
*slaps knee*
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Santa Claus & his elves wouldn’t be able to wrap the gifts needed for all the children in the world quickly enough unless they had more limbs. Therefore, the logical conclusion is that they are all octopuses & the “North Pole” is actually the lost city of Atlantis. In this essay,
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.
date: “i like dangerous guys, are you dangerous?”
[thinking about the amount of plugs i have in one outlet behind the tv]
me: “yes i am”
Alexa doesn’t hear when I ask her a direct question but will hear me mumbling from across the room so I can only assume she’s related to my husband
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
Sometimes when I’m sitting in a swivel chair, I’ll turn around quickly and smile and pretend I’m in the opening credits of a sitcom
Like who are those little paper umbrellas trying to protect
[first date]
Me: don’t let her know you’re a lizard
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: (gets scared and loses my tail but I grow a new one)
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.