POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.
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I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
If you’re wondering how much I hate confrontation, I just apologized to the microwave when it had to beep a third time to remind me my food was done.
I’ve named my couch American Idle.
Me: Give me some space, I’m feeling claustrophobic
8 whispers to 9: Leave Mom alone, she has to poop but she can’t
A couple of weeks ago we had an icebreaker during my graduate seminar and the question was “What is your irrational fear?” My answer was “hammerhead sharks”. And today in class I walked in and saw this:
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
*Screaming at kids at soccer practice
LADY: Which one is yours?
ME: None of them. I just have anger issues.
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
Can people I follow stop disagreeing with each other? I depend on you lot to tell me what to think.
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.
It’s so annoying when you love someone and want to spend the rest of your life with them and they don’t accept your friend request.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
Facebook: Here’s some other people you might know
Me: Oh yes! I do know them!
Facebook: Do you want to add them as friends? 🙂
Me: oh God no
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
I want my tombstone to read:
Don’t feel too bad, he really liked sleeping
whenever i feel like i hate my job i remind myself that i could be a food taster for the emperor.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
there should be an olympic sport for pessimism, not that i could ever win
I just drank all of the Christmas presents I bought for everyone
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
“Mommy, mommy, mommy, mom, mom, mommy, mom, mommy!”
-Mormon kids
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?
Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!
4: her strap on!
Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-
Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING
“The floor is larva.”
– Indiana Jones, entering the Temple of Doom