Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
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Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
It’s the 20th anniversary of Infinite Jest and the 6th anniversary of my buying Infinite Jest and never getting around to reading it.
“Why did you threaten to hit that scuba diver with your canoe paddle?”
“He was putting on airs”.
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Just saw a video where Gordon Ramsey was struggling to say “Worcestershire sauce”, and honestly guys, if he can’t do it there’s no hope for the rest of us
ME: When Princess Leia kissed Luke, did you know they were brother and sister?
GEORGE LUCAS: *laying in bed* How did you even get in here?
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers and says,
“Five beers, please.”
The first five days after the weekend are the worst.
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
What unbearably horny inventor came up with the lickable envelope
“Oh this? This everyday, functional object? You have to caress its entire length sensuously with your tongue to activate it. I am a very normal person.”
Dad: [tied to chair] You’ll never make me talk.
Bad Guy: *pulls back a velvet curtain revealing a wall with hundreds of thermostats*
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Me: Do you have any homework due tomorrow?
13-year-old: Not that I remember.
Me: Do you want to check to refresh your memory?
13: I’d rather not.
I like listening to true crime podcasts while I clean my bathroom because I can pretend I’m destroying evidence.
Lost my watch at a party once. I saw a guy step on it while harassing a girl. I walked up and punched him straight on the nose. I said: No one does that to a girl…not on my watch.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
I always wear a wet suit and goggles to the pub so I don’t look like an idiot when I wake up on the beach in the morning.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
If I ever die in my sleep it won’t be in my bed. It’ll be in a meeting.
“You know, the average woman does it at least 8 times a year in her sleep.” -Peter Parker attempting to convince Mary Jane to swallow
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea