Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
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Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
This is your captain speaking. Would someone who knows how to be a pilot please come up? I’m literally just pressing buttons.
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
I’ve decided to go back to meeting someone the old-fashioned way, through alcohol and poor judgment.
if you have a cat tell them i said pspspsps
Go to tattoo shop to get both legs fully covered. Before he touches me w that needle, I run off yelling ‘thanks for the free shave loser!’
Doggies just call it style.
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
ME: *reads war and peace*
SCHRÖDINGER: *nods approvingly*
A coworker started telling my kids a story with the sort of zeal you often see from people who don’t have kids of their own. It took less than 4 minutes of inquiries and interruptions for my son to completely break her spirit and bring storytime to a grinding halt. That’s my boy.
At the outdoor church service today, the pastor invited the kids to use sidewalk chalk to draw things that remind them of God.
My six year olds decided to trace each other and create a crime scene.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
“We survived WW2 we can get through Brexit!”
“Gareth you are 41 and have never even gone paintballing what the absolute shit are you talking about”
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
5yo: Does everyone in the world have kids?
Me: No, some people decide they don’t want to have them.
5: I don’t want kids.
Me: Why not?
5: They’re a lot of work.
Me: Then why don’t you be less difficult for me?
5: Well, you decided to have kids.
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
Life hack: Asking fellow party guests about their last colonoscopy can be an effective way to avoid future social commitments.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.
Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.
You’re one day closer to death AND you get free cake? What’s not to like about birthdays?
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
I was just about to go and remind my neighbour to slam all of his car doors as many times as possible in five minutes, but there’s no need.
I’m good, thanks.