Pool party at my house… BYOP (Bring Your Own Pool)…
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We got our cats a water fountain. Now they stand around it holding little paper cups and gossiping about us.
Therapist: you’ve finally learned to stand up to people, well done
Me: thank you
Therapist: now you need to pay my bill
Me: no
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
[gets intuitive notification]
you know what, apple watch, I think I will finish that outdoor walk from 2011
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
Girl next to me had her bag on the seat, didn’t move it when I politely asked her to so I’ve sat on it…
When Plan ‘A’ and Plan ‘B’ don’t work..
Plan ‘Shaggy’:
Say it wasn’t you.
yoooo let ur cat know i said pspspsps
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
In summer, I drive with hands at 11 and 1 so the air conditioner vents point directly at my armpits.
He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
me: *competes in gymnastics*
official: *blows whistle* stop saying “wee”
Doctor: “I’m afraid-”
*Wife crying*
“I’m afraid your husband is in a better place now.”*cut to me on a roller coaster at Disneyland*
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
I just returned from a long trip and tossed my suitcase on the floor of my room, so I won’t see those clothes again for several months.
Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
Sure, new mom Kylie Jenner goes makeup-free for Vogue & everyone celebrates her.
But when I go makeup-free to the grocery store, people are all, “Are you ok?? You look sick. You need sleep. And vitamins.”
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.