Poop your pants one time and suddenly you’re banned from the MacDonalds ball pit
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ME: I dislike myself
THERAPIST: That’s quite common
ME: Really?
THERAPIST: Yes, for example, I don’t like you
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
*planning family vacation*
Me: So what about camping?
Them: We love camping!
Me: Great! I’ll drop you off on my way to the spa.
I’ve never dated a man for his mind, but I would if I ever met a man that had one.
Wife: I didn’t buy the shirt because it was too crepey
Me: Creepy?
W: Crepey
M: Crappy?
W: Crepey!
M: Oh, okay…
W: You have no idea, do you?
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
therapist: so, when did your fixation with marbles begin
her: [mouthful of marbles] hard to say
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
A treadmill is just an expensive version of the ground
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
The Story of Volcanos
God: Ok, how about a mountain..
Angel: We got mountains.
God: Lemme finish. That shits fire.
Angel: Metal.
*fist bump*
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
[a boomerang is thrown at me]
me: oh no holy frickin crap !
[one second later]
me: (toughly) …ok yeah that’s what i THOUGHT
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
What part of this $7.50 Wal Mart T-shirt makes you think I’d like to see the wine list?
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
me: make me the coolest guy
genie: ok all guys are now hotter than u
me: son of a
On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
just ate soup so fast my Fitbit thought i was running
“Hello?”
Dad come get me from practice
“Sorry I’m going into a tunnel” *sound of mom giggling*
But I called the *connection drops* …landline
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”