Pooping on the clock is the small-scale revolt of the working class in preparation for the people’s revolution.
You Might Also Like
Salad in a bag. What’s next, spaghetti in your purse? Ham in your backpack? Lobster in your luggage?
Me: Let me shift gears for just a second
Bus driver: Go back to your seat!
Just left WalMart. All the cute well behaved kids must be at Target.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
If your boss asks you to organize a corporate team building event he does not mean organize a happy hour.
I know this now.
[texting]
HotGirl: Help me ace the Periodic Table test tomorrow?
Nerd: Selenium Neodymium Neon Tungsten Darmstadtium
HG: ?
N: SeNd NeWDs
Winnie the Pooh: will u marry me?
Piglet: for the last time, u don’t get a literal “honey” moon
Pooh: pls say yes I need to see for myself
“Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?” -chickens
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
My mom just put a pic on Facebook that says, “Share if your daughter is beautiful AND smart.” She tagged my sister.
Her: My father is very upset that I’m your girlfriend.
Me: Well, duh, I’m very upset that you’re my girlfriend…
Dentist: *shows me picture of my teeth*
Me: Delete it.
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
me: I broke my leg, can anyone help
guy: I know what to do
me: oh thank goodness
guy: *loading shotgun* I learned from looking after horses
me: k wait
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Standing closer to me in line will not get you to the checkout faster.
On the bright side, when wearing a face mask, I pick my nose in public much less often.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
My dad’s pet name for my mom is tiger.
Let’s never discuss this again.
welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
A kid asked me how babies are made once and I panicked and said 3D printers because no one has ever explained it to me either.
assert dominance by taking too many selfies on someone else’s phone
I just made the PERFECT phone call!
My parents didn’t answer.
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Pretending to WFH while my mom is around is way worse than actually working.
She’s on to me. I can feel her breath behind my neck…
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.