Before I burn any bridges, I like to make sure there’s no bars or restaurants I really like on the other side.
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Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
Older women aren’t afraid to ask for exactly what they want.
Doughnuts. I want doughnuts.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Day 1 of quarantine: I’m going to take this as an opportunity to improve my health
Day 2 of quarantine: Due to personal reasons, I am eating a lasagna in my shower
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
COWARDLY LION: Give me courage
SCARECROW: Give me a brain
ROB THOMAS: Gimme a heart, make it real or else forget about it
TIN MAN: Oh ok Rob
If you put on BBC news and told me it was Downton Abbey, I’d watch for like 20 min before I asked “For real, tho?”
What if T-Rexes really had long boneless tentacle arms and we didn’t know because we can only find bones?
Mrs. Cinnamon Toast Crunch is about to eat her family and honestly I get it
[first date]
her: Tell me a little bit about yourself
me: okay so you know when beetles open up their wings and they have those other, even creepier wings underneath?
her: umm
mob boss: stick his body in the compost pile
me: wha
mob boss (grabbing my collar intently): we might be killers, but u only got one earth
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
When you’re doing all you can just to get by in life.
So it turns out the child that cost me the most money in the Legoland store……was me.
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
[During surgery]
DR DOG: Suction please.
NURSE: But there’s no bleeding.
DR DOG: I know *drooling* but just look at that liver!
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
time travel is only valuable to me if it helps me find where I put my keys
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
I will flirt with you but honestly neither of us will have any idea it’s happening
one time my dad walked in on me smoking an E cig and made me eat a whole pack of batteries