Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
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[car dealership]
“Why is some guy out there screaming insults at all the vehicles?”*Sees sign PRE-OWNED CARS*
“Oh.”
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Saw Satan was trending and was worried that he died…
Doctor: I’m going to listen to your lungs so just breathe normal.
Me: Well now you’ve made THAT nearly impossible.
Let’s talk about the elephant in the room.
Elephant: I can hear you, you know.
If you don’t have anything nice to say, you’ve come to the right place.
HAVING KIDS
• expensive & boring
• they will live with you for 18 yearsBEFRIENDING A CROW
• cheap & exciting
• they will bring you gifts
• there is a good chance they will also be willing to do crimes for you
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Being a mother you are always prepared for the unexpected but nothing can prepare you for the strength you will need when your son’s voice begins to change and you have to keep a straight face.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Hope you’ve already had the back to school conversation with your kids? You know the one where you threaten them to not volunteer you for stuff before asking you first?
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
ME: i’m writing a book about lame cars
HER: what’s it called
ME: sorry, no spoilers
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
Took my son to his friend’s birthday party yesterday. It was great until we arrived and I realised the party is next weekend.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
The closest I’ve come to mastering a martial art is figuring out how to wash my feet in the shower
If this doesn’t sum up England nothing will 😂😂 #snow #weather #uk
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.