Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
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me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Hey baby, do you like tan lines? Because I fell asleep with a badminton racquet on my face again and
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
Make fun of my long hair and I’ll ride past your girlfriend’s bedroom window on a stallion.
Asked mom what she wanted for Christmas this year and she said “I don’t want any gifts, I just want to know my kids are happy” well that’s a pretty big ask, Christy. Can I just get you the vacuum and call it even
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
TITANIC: GOING DOWN!
LOBSTER: MAKE A RUN FOR IT! WE’RE FREE!
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
You gotta admit that humans are the ultimate #1 lifeform because we’re essentially half mermaid but we also have legs for kicking and stuff.
When I want to trim down my friend’s list on FB I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
It was so cold UN weapons inspectors suddenly decided that chemical weapons might be hidden in Hawaii
[hardware store]
Me: Let me do the talking. This is man stuff
Wife: Fine
Clerk: Can I help you?
Me: I need a whacker thingy to hit nails
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body
Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
Dear god, please let me have sex at least as often as adobe or java needs an update. Everyday.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)