‘Pop Goes The Weasel’ is my favourite song about over-inflating your mammals.
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Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
“How can I help u, Bowser?”
I need a loan
“For ANOTHER castle?”
A flying castle
“U have like 24 already”
IDK HOW MARIO KEEPS FINDIN HER
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.
Ring = she’s married
Nose ring = she’s married to a bull
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
“that’s not actually your good side” look wal mart photographer I don’t have the energy for you to do me like this today
Welcome to parenting. Here is your collection of markers that have run out of ink, which you will inexplicably hold onto for a minimum of 2 years.
Greek people must feel like a tampon.
They live in one of the most beautiful places in the world, but at the worst period.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
Is this what y’all think when you read my tweets 🤦🏻♀️😂
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
for $8 a month i should never have to stop at a red light again
I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
It’s important to listen to both sides of the debate because you need to hear both the reality of the situation and also the dumbest thing anyone’s ever said
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
“NO SHIT!”
~Urinals
[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
I dropped a whole bowl of Munchie Mix on the floor in case you’re wondering where the dogs got their newfound appreciation for my athletic prowess.
The first 3 days of a diet is always harder than the 4th day because by the end of 3rd day, you’re dead.
LOL at people with only 99 problems
What’s that like?
“30 shots of espresso NOW.”
*barista’s eyes widen*
Whoa what do you do for a living?
“I STAY AWAKE FOR A LIVING!”
*roundhouse kicks barista*
whenever i see sombody obsessively taking photos of the sunset, i go up to them & whisper “dont worry.. the sun is gonna come back tomorow”
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
A deer in the headlights but it’s being asked for my input during a Zoom meeting when I’ve been playing Words with Friends the entire time.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time