“Pop star, Justin Bieber, was charged with DUI, driving with an expired license and resisting arrest.”
Britney Spears whispers,
“Amateur.”
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Unlike the brain, the stomach alerts you when it’s empty.
A fortnight is equal to 14 nights. Unless you live in a fort; it is equal to one night. Fort math is only complicated to non-fort dwellers.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
I’m serious. You’re the worst species I ever created, and I made 3,500 different cockroaches.
[Mugshot photographer]
Me: now lets do a silly one
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Therapist: Do you have a support system?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
Therapist: No, I mean a family, friends?
Me: I have a lumbar pillow.
So I had self diagnosed back problems and went to check out orthopedic mattresses. I would like to testify that the price tag healed me.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
My wish is for all women to love and accept their bodies but also for my body to be objectively the best even tho I’ll be v humble about it
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
“WELL ACTUALLY”: a sequel to “LOVE ACTUALLY” about why it’s problematic
I’m 50. If you say you want to be friends with benefits, you better damn well mean full medical and dental with a low deductible
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
[Freddy Krueger comes to kill me in my nightmare]
Me: OMG I can’t believe I’m actually sleeping.
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”
My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
I went out last night and my husband put the 3yo and the baby to bed by himself, which neither of us has done alone yet. I got home and everyone was asleep and he was so calm, and I was like “Wow I’m so glad it well went!” and he was like “oh no, it went terribly.” 😂
GOOD COP: cover me!
DAD COP: *tucks him in* snug as a bug