popcorn, or as cerebral smart minds such as myself refer to it ‘popped corn’, is the number #1 food of watching things
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replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
You can imagine my embarrassment when I was escorted out of the herpetologists office by police because he isn’t an std doctor
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
GF: I think he’s gonna propose to me
Her Friend: How do u know
GF: I found a receipt from Kay jewelers for 7 thousand dollars
[I walk into the room with my hands behind my back]
ME: Hey babe have you ever seen a turtle with a gold shell
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
[armed robbery]
gf: pls babe he has a gun, this isn’t the time to mess around, just call the cops
me: no. *pulls out deck of yu-gi-oh cards* i have to trust the heart of the cards
robber: you should’ve listened to your little girlfriend, kid
*pulls a deck out of his gun*
Not even remotely sorry.
five mistletoes make up a mistlefoot thank you for your time
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
i know walt disney is sweating in his grave watching a yellow sponge slowly replace mickey mouse as the most iconic cartoon figure
I would’ve gotten away with it too if it wasn’t for that group of sexually repressed potheads who kept talking to their great dane.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
My husband is obsessed with keeping our new car in pristine condition, so I carry a little vial of glitter with me at all times in case he pisses me off.
IF YOURE UNDER 18 DO NOT READ THIS
fellow grown folks. isn’t oatmeal delicious
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
Me: thanks for the invite but I’m really not much of a partier haha
Friend: it’s a search party for my missing wife
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
when u come home smelling like another dog
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
therapist: are you still scared of your own existence?
me: I’m afraid I am
my parents often told me I would lose my own head if it wasn’t screwed on and now that I’m an adult I want to know what tools I need to have it screwed off
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
You know what doesn’t charge $20.00+/month and prevent you from sharing a password?
A book.