@Paxochka: Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
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@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Don't spit at your sister! 4: I'm a bunny. Me: Bunnies don't spit. 4: I'm an acid-spitting bunny.
@ericsshadow: [talking to life insurance agent] Let me get this right. I pay you until I die, then someone ELSE gets the money? No thanks.
@gobmentcheese: In a crowded elevator, tell all the tall people they have to get in the back because you're going to take a group photo.
@AlexRogaski: The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order