Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
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There’s a doctor here to see you.
Doctor who?
No, I think it’s a non time traveling one.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
My 5-year-old refused to eat her dinner because Netflix was running slow.
At least she picked a worthy cause for her hunger strike.
Trader Joe’s: What if pumpkin had a baby with everything?
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
Doc: “Your arm is broken. I’ll put you in a cast for a while and it’ll recover.”
Me: “Ok, but I don’t get how being in a movie will help.”
Shout out to God for giving me the strength to walk away from stupid people without slapping them.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.
Scrambled eggs are like regular eggs but their reception is terrible
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
I don鈥檛 think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It鈥檚 been 20 minutes, we鈥檙e still fixing the sink.
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
Him: 馃幎 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 馃幎
Her: Please don鈥檛 sing to it when you are down there
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
Me: My daughters are fighting non stop this summer.
Parent with sons: My boys tore off our garage door yesterday and painted 1/5 of our house orange.
Popeye was heart healthy because he liked to eat spinach and Olive Oil.
Haha! 馃槀
nyc:
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
Pharaohs were buried with their hands crossed over their chest because of the belief there would be countless water slides in the after life.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?