*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
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My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
Me: “Am I pretty?”
3-year-old daughter: “Boys aren’t pretty. They’re handsome.”
Me: “Am I handsome?”
3-year-old: “No.”
ME: Imagine if your toenails screamed when you cut them.
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
my body’s saying “let’s go,” but my heart is saying “a pet iguana is a huge responsibility, mark.”
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
Just saved $60,000 by telling my kid she already graduated from Parallel University.
ME: [knocks on ambulance window]
PARAMEDIC: Can I help you?
ME: Are you carrying a patient?
PARAMEDIC: Not at the moment.
ME: Mind if I nap on the stretcher?
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
My wife told me to find someone else if anything ever happened to her so I don’t know why she got pissed when she found my “prospects” list.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
Would love to see a reality show where they promise the prize will “change contestants lives FOREVER”…and it’s a brain swap with a cow.
wife: We really need to start teaching 9 some manners
me: *shoving an entire Pop-Tart in my mouth and spitting crumbs everywhere* I agree
me: im depressed
therapist: try a good walk
me: will that work
therapist: yes *subtly gives a ‘thumbs up’ to my dog*
Let me sing you the song of my people
*moves and 97 joints pop*
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
She was rare, like a Billie Eilish song I can actually hear at normal volume.
Toddlers are fun because every so often they‘ll agree with almost anything you say.
Me: we’re going out tonight okay?
Toddler: yeah.
Me: we’re gonna get into some trouble.
Toddler: yeah.
Me: start a revolution.
Toddler: yeah!
Me: Then we’ll go to bed.
Toddler: no.
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
I’m wearing nike pants so you have to just do it…
GF: why the hell are you eating cheese puffs in bed at 2am
Me: shhh… I’m sleep walking
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
[inventor of green tea] what if tea didn’t make you feel awake but also tasted bad
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
dogs can find happiness so easily
[1st date]
Him: What do you do for fun?
Me: I like pretending I’m someone else.
Him: Wow? You do impersonations?
Me: No, I steal identities.