*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
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The person who came up with the word onomatopoeia woke up one morning and chose vowelence.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
I canceled my plans to go swimming because it was threatening to rain. I was OK with getting wet but only on my terms.
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
[creation]
PORCUPINE: So what’s my deal
GOD: Basically a fat lazy rat that eats sticks and your vision sucks
P: WTF dude are you serious
G: lmfao yeah bro
P:
G:
P: Can… I at least be covered in thousands of tiny swords
G:
P:
G: HELL YES THAT IS METAL AF MY MAN
*Being murdered in bed*
Me: CAN YOU JUST TRY NOT TO DISARRANGE THE THROW PILLOWS??
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
Stop sending me this shit.
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
Made a pact w/ my wife that if we’re 40 & kids haven’t stopped whining, we’ll meet at top of the Empire State Building so they can’t find us
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
My wife is getting rid of all the clutter. If you see the kids and me standing out by the street, it means we didn’t make the cut this year.
Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
An alien makes contact. I take it home, give it a sandwich. Then ice cream. And then, to show we’re an advanced race, an ice cream sandwich.
Me five minutes ago: I’m not sure what the United Kingdom is
Me now: very good result in Newcastle Central, bodes poorly for the Tories
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.