*popular kid is struggling in class
*gets a tutor to help
*Kool-Aid
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Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Having a bad vocabulary is very bad
It’s so hot that my thermostat says “Idris Elba”.
Smokey the Bear is 100% what kept me from starting forest fires
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
My son told me he thought a break room was a room where employees could go break stuff to take out their frustrations and as someone who worked retail, I can say that would’ve been awesome
Sitting here reminiscing about the 3 times I went to the gym in 2019.
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Hotdogs contain nitrates that literally shave time off your life. Do you need any more proof that they are the ideal food
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
I don’t care how much you pay for sushi- you are getting a raw deal.
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
Which is heavier, the collected works of Shakespeare or a prison full of inmates? The prose outweighs the cons.
Top 3 questions asked by my parents:
3) How’s the business?
2) Do you have a girlfriend?
1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?
[Sunday]
God: Finally a day of rest. I could really use a chicken sandwich and a milkshake.
*walks up to Chick-fil-A*
OH COME ON!!
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
Two gunslingers face each other in the street, waiting to draw. Minutes pass. I’m still obliviously standing between them sipping a Slurpee.
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp
After seventeen years, today is the day I finally tell my wife she’s been folding our bathroom towels wrong.
A little Caesar’s pizza joke, eh?