Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
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[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Kids are a great reminder that, when life knocks you down, you can’t stay down for long. No, because literally they’re going to ask you to make them a sandwich like right after.
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
trying to convince my wife to stop leaving out food for the scarecrow that ominously gets a little closer to the house each night
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
[archaeological dig]
ARCHAEOLOGIST: I don’t think we’ll find anything here
ME: *trying to get help digging out my swimming pool* let’s just give it a shot
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Son, I found some drugs in your backpack
“Dad I swear they’re not mine”
DAMMIT SUSAN, THEY ARENT HIS. 1st time we were proud and you blew it
Decolonizing something is when you remove perfume from it
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
I never realised how much of a fidget that I was until I was watching a movie and my fitbit told me that I only had 10 more steps for the entire hour…when I was sitting down the whole time
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
Them: how are you?
Me: anxiety riddled and cute as a button… but like, a button that’s been at the bottom of a sewing bag since your grandma was in home ec
I’m just a girl standing in front of a cat who followed me to the bathroom.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
“You took out 5600 turtles in Mario”
[me looking at god] is that good or bad?
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Everything my three year old says is like listening to a weird roommate describe their LSD dreams.
Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!
(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
My husband witnessed a miracle today. The Amazon truck drove by our house
…without stopping.