I have bad fight or flight instincts. Guy wants a fight in an elevator, I try to run. Truck heading straight at me 45 mph, let’s do this bro
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As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
My 11yo just asked me if I was gonna be a “single Pringle” forever and I’m laughing so hard I can’t even be mad.
Due to personal reasons I will be saying “aye” and “arggg” instead of yes and no from now on. Please respect my piracy during this difficult time.
Mama? Is this true?!
#FewThingsAreMorePainfulThan
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
If a tree falls in a forest and doesn’t make a sound, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the piano
Yesterday 9 asked what’s the meaning of life and 6 punched him, but that was yesterday when I was on acid. Numbers don’t usually talk to me.
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
I just met a woman who told me she had “trouble keeping weight on” in times of stress. I ate her.
“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”
– Flash mob
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
My girlfriend said she wants me to make her feel like shes the only girl in the world.
So I’m gonna drop her off in the desert and leave.
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
Okay so I need to find and purchase this book
[being eaten alive by cannibals]
cannibal: is he… joining in?
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
A grand jury is made up of a cross-section of the community.
I ride the train w/the cross-section & it’s mostly people peeing on the floor.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!