Pork is awesome, but it’s best when used as a verb.
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Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
They should make you watch a training video and pass a little test before you’re allowed to touch the office coffee maker.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
“How often do you floss?”
Every day
“How often do you lie?”
Every six months
[giving mother in law my famous salad dressing recipe over the phone] 1 part vinegar, then *bites lip so I don’t laugh* 2 parts baking soda
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Some people say America is obese, but I blame our flag. Everyone knows that horizontal stripes make you look fatter.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Finding a human tooth in my fortune cookie was just the beginning.
art teacher: …and that’s how you paint a face
picasso: *running in* sorry, i’m late. what did i miss?
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Sorry I dressed up like Captain Caveman when you asked me if I wanted to go clubbing.
[bank heist get away]
Chad the Thief: I can’t believe…
Gary the driver: Look, it’s the only vehicle I could get.
Chad: But an ice cream van…
Gary:
Chad: Can you at least turn the music off?
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
Sometimes I lay awake at night and ask myself, why don’t I have a hedgehog?
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
I love my husband so much that I have a picture of his credit card on my home screen.
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
birds and squirrels envy us
ALADDIN: i can show you the world
JASMINE: wat why. do u kno that there are people out there. why do u think we live ina palace. no thank u
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.