[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
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“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
[Australia]
Husband: If you need me I’ll be out back.
Wife: Yeah that’s not very specific.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-
I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?
I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
Y’know the trouble with nude dancing is that not everything stops when the music does.
Don’t sweat the small stuff. Don’t sweat the medium or large stuff either. Stop perspiring on everything. Take your sweaty ass elsewhere.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
barbara was highly relatable
i enjoy driving and flying on planes because they both allow me to experience my unrelenting and constant fear of dying but also i get to sit down
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
Why is it called maple syrup instead of “log jam”?
My boyfriend died after falling into a giant vat of coffee at work
He didn’t suffer, it was instant
Robert, you forgot to shut the window. That baby flew in, again
Size matters
– me, when alcohol is being poured
[inventing napkin dispenser]
bob: it has two settings
ceo: ok
bob: one at a time
ceo: ok
bob: or 37 at a time
ceo: first of all i love it
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
Being 5’2”, when I’m going up for a high five, most people just lean in for a handshake.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I feel it
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
can’t get the dune theme tune out of my head (dune dune dune, now lemme hear you say way-oh)
2022 will be better than 2021
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who