[posing nude]
ME: make sure to capture all of my body’s contours
DMV GUY: again, this is entirely inappropriate for a license photo
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God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that made fun of me in high school
*eye of the tiger starts to play as I trip & fall down the stairs
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
“There’s no eye in Teams” I exclaim turning off my laptop camera
LIBERAL PARENTS REFUSE TO GIVE NAUGHTY TEEN COAL:
“fossils fuels cause global warming”
“billy woke up to solar panels in his stocking”
Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Doctor: I need to draw some blood
Me *hands him a red crayon* haha
Doctor *stabs it in my arm* haha
[8 AM]
Me: Time to wake up.
[13 HOURS LATER]
Me: Time to go to bed.
Kid: But, Mom, it’s 9 AM.
subtitles are so good nowadays
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
First date
Me: have you ever taken a selfie with a dog face filter?
Her: Yes, I love those!
Me: Well look at the time this has been fun…
Apparently my wife believes that if she didn’t tell me where to turn when I’m driving I’d just keep going straight until I hit an ocean.
I never knew how fast I could write until the teacher said pencils down.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Oh your baby’s name is Walter?
Is he close to retirement?
Customer Service: How does the name appear on your credit card?
Me: If i had to guess, I’d say it’s 11 pt. Arial bold.
My mother: *brings over crap every time she visits*
Also my mother: “You sure have a lot of crap.”
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I avoid cheating on my spouse by not getting married.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
*goes to bathroom
*takes out phone
*opens Twitter
*finishes
*pulls pants up
*flushes
*forgets to poop
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
Police: Sir, you account is hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Police: No, bank account.
Me: Oh, thank god !!
Wanted: 6 people to dress up as Zombie Teletubbies and join me in a circle howling at the moon in my neighbor’s arbory
No weirdos
I’m not proud
Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
Who.
Did.
This?
No thanks, Cosmo. I already know 20 ways to drive my man crazy in the bedroom. Any room really. Unintentionally. I’m difficult to be with.
iPods will never teach kids to be ready to jump over sofas to push the “Rec” button on the tape deck when your song comes on.