Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
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*puts powdered sugar around my nostrils and walks into blind date set up by my mom*
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
You be amazed how many times I’ve been wrong when people say “guess what” ?
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
when you miss your boat so you have to take the train
accidentally emailed my kid’s kindergarten enrollment form to UC Berkeley admissions instead of Berkeley Unified School District. we’ll see what happens. maybe he’ll get in
The vegetable crisper or as I call it, the cold garbage can.
No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
[boarding a flight]
me (to the pilot): “ohhhhh boy. who let this guy in here.”
pilot (chuckling): “good morning sir”
me (way too familiar): “you’re not gonna cause trouble today, are you?”
pilot (annoyed): “what?”
me (getting really serious): “you need to be playful with me”
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
(Item doesn’t scan)
Me: Does that mean it’s free?
Cashier: You’re literally the 100th person to use that line today.
Me: Does being the 100th person to use that line today mean I get it for free?
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
“There’s more than one way, to skin a cat.”
Things not to say to a woman, when they ask if you prefer shaved or trimmed.
I scream,
You scream,
We all scream
Because grandpa fell asleep at the wheel again.
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
Yet another day of playing ‘Is it just allergies or should I prepare my will’
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yeah
Cop: Oh ok nevermind
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
13-year-old: I need cool clothes.
Me: I think your clothes now are pretty cool.
13: That’s the problem
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
waiter: our special is only $7.99
mechanic: i’m a mechanic.
[seconds later]
waiter: my guys in the back’re telling me the special’s actually going to be about $235 and some change.
mechanic: that’s too much.
waiter: *sucks air through teeth* they’ve already started on it.