Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
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Being a mom means being the first one up in the morning, the last one to bed at night, and the only one drinking during church.
My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
Starts a choir that moves around in a boat, preaching how we are all going down into an abyss of damnation.
Names the boat Hell Sinky.
Daughter has amputated three dolls in the span of twelve hours. Really hoping our dog is smart enough to stay away from her.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
I can’t believe she picked her husband, her boyfriend and her other boyfriend over me.
Publisher: I’m just having a hard time caring about what happens to the main character.
Me: It’s an autobiography.
Publisher: If you kill her off and have the story focus on her love interest, people might actually read it. He seems great
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
BOSS: how’s your wife?
ME: still totally not fake
BOSS: what
ME: what
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Waits for the worst possible time to tell you that they have to pee…
~Kids
My work here is don’t.
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
I was the president of the fencing club in high school. We only met once, and then the cops found all the stolen property.
[reeling in big fish and turns to friend]
you got the net?
“yes”
ok, google how to get this thing in the boat
I asked my kid what kind of animal he’d be, and he said he’d be a bird so he could fly to the North Pole, kill Santa, take over, and make all the elves his slaves. They’re just precious at 8.
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
Me: Excuse me Father, what’s the Wifi password?
Priest: We’re in Church!
Me: Oh I’m sorry. What’s the Wifi password, Amen.
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Nobody ever asked me to prove that I’m not an elephant, but I once lost an argument about being a french poodle
“You probably can’t even tell, but there was an incident with the shower curtain”
Anyone who can get the straw in the Capri Sun on the first try can make your death look like an accident.
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
Either way, I don’t think we should let Shrodinger near any more cats.