Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
You Might Also Like
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
Catfishing my ex… So you could say we’re back together.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
if he likes you he will let you know. if he wants to talk to you, he’ll text. do nothing. you’re a beautiful object. pretend you’re a tree
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
If a bear attacks you, play dead. Ok good, you’re about to feel like this forever
me: so I went to see a hypnotist to quit smoking
friend: did it work?
me: I’ll let you know once I stop squawking like a chicken
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
This has to be the worst date I have ever had. That includes the time that I accidentally answered my uncle’s personal ad….
I like to put up Christmas decorations in stages. This is the stage where I sit on the couch with lasagna and stare at the boxes.
My 3yo is heckling me about what YouTube search results appear when I type in her dictated search terms. I never anticipated this parenting moment.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
ME: *slamming desk with fist* You’ll put this up over my dead body!
FUNERAL DIRECTOR: It’s a lovely headstone.
ME: It really is.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
words that seem cool until you find out what they mean
– atrophy
– space bar
– supervision
– extraction
– dogmatic
how much does a mortician urn in a year