Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
You Might Also Like
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
ME: [building a robot] We’re going to be best friends!
ROBOT: [flies out of window]
ME: Why did I add a propeller
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
How many mission impossible movies must there be before they admit that the missions are actually kinda doable?
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
Several of my internal organs hurt, but I’m 100% sure it’s not my body trying to tell me something.
Oh, you’re here. Who’s running hell?
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Don’t charge people for Twitter itself but charge them every time they tweet
Would stop most of the arguments on here. No way am I spending money debating with Loves_2_Spooge69 on why Spider-man having an extra line on his mask in NWH is ok.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Me [a pilgrim]: better wear a belt on my hat so it doesn’t fall down
Getting a neck tattoo is probably the coolest way to show your love for manual labour.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Me: you are my queen.
Her: awwww thanks 😍
Me *rolling out guillotine* and monarchy is an abomination.
I make sure my husband thinks about me during the workday by packing him a sandwich that also falls apart for no reason.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
British people never go down stairs they just jump out of a window and open an umbrella like Mary Poppins
Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
I wish there was enough room on TV for another show called Judge Judy, but where people just stood around criticizing a woman named Judy.
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse