Possible Tic-Tac-Toe results:
a.) it’s a tie
b.) you’re an idiot
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Being a hermit crab is hard because every time you’re naked you’re also homeless and that’s literally the worst time to be naked
The Accountant.
h/t: @KrangTNelson @Boogieknight
FRIEND: So… being literal is your jam?
ME: No. Being literal is a behavior. It’s not a food.
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Super Mario is so unrealistic. No brother would ever help find his missing sister in law.
Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
Everything happening on Twitter now is a lot easier to understand if you‘ve ever had a younger sibling that invented a game and added a new rule every time they started losing.
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Them: Can you imagine jogging—
Me: No
Them: —in this heat
Me:
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
SHAKE WHAT YOUR MAMA GAVE YOU
*shakes buy one get one free coupon*
Friends: “Be ready at 7:30”
Me at 7:30:
i will avenge u mr van gogh
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
My guide to NyQuil:
Name brand red: no horse in your head
Store brand green: a horse will be seen
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
you couldn’t be more wrong, i on the other hand could be far more wrong due to my incredibly vast stupidity
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
1 in 3 Americans, weighs as much as the other 2…!!
LOAN OFFICER: Sign here…
ME: *signs*
LO: And, here.
ME: *signs*
LO: Down payment, please.
ME: Here you go.
LO: You want road hazard insurance?
ME: Yes, please.
LO: Sign here.
ME: *signs* Is that it?
LO: Yes, the barista will call your name when the order’s ready.
i have a playlist titled russian roulette which is composed of under pressure by queen like 10 times and ice ice baby by vanilla ice once
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
BULLY: lol as if you’ve got a date for prom
ME: uh yes, actually, I have
BULLY: Damn
ME *confidently smooths down shirt* It’s May 23rd. I’ll be going alone
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
*Texts*
Can I come over bae?
I need you. <3*Gets reply text*
DUDE, STOP CALLING ME THAT. I’M YOUR DEALER NOT YOUR BAE. BRING CA$H!
[1st date]
HER: I love autumn, it’s my favorite season
ME: [trying to impress] Yes, I love the way the leaves just… autumn off the trees
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.