Post nuclear war:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishment remains.My refrigerator after a 14 year old boy comes home from school:
A sterile and withered landscape. No vegetation or nourishm—
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Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
They want us to stay current with our training, yet the training videos show people using BlackBerries.
If anyone on the street asks for directions – give directions to YOUR house. Then run home, put on music and wait for your new best friend!
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
A moment of silence please. Not for anyone in particular, everyone just shut up.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
Stupid people who suddenly make a smart decision have no idea how confusing that is for the rest of us.
[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]
Doctor: What the hell?
Ha – mildly amusing
Haha – funny
Hahaha – sarcastic laugh
Hahahaha – stayin’ alive
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
[The Lost World: Jurassic Park]
Ian Malcolm: Where you’re going is the only place on Earth where the geese chase you
Me: This guy doesn’t know shit about geese.
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
My toxic trait is working out for twelve minutes, then rewarding myself with chips and salsa, and eating them until I can no longer breathe.
Congrats to the person that invented the wobbly restaurant table. It’s basically everywhere now.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Just found out my wife is pregnant.
Considering we haven’t had sex in two years, we’ve decided to name him Jesus
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
My lighter has two settings:
1: Spark, spark, spark
2: No left eyebrow
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
I unfollowed a guy in the Navy; too many sub tweets.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.