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God: Lo shall humanity have dominion o’er the earth, o’er the beasts.
Beasts: wtf
Humanity: Haha yesssss
God: but also shall humanity feel bad about everything, all of it, every last thing shall they feel bad about
Humanity: wait
Beasts: lol
God: lol
Doctor: Take this medicine. It will help with your condition.
Me: Oh, I don’t know. I don’t like the idea of taking medicine daily.
Doctor: It is also helps with weight loss.
Me: So, how many can I take in a day and still live?
My friend says to me, “What rhymes with orange?”
And I told him, “No, it doesn’t.”
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
I just swallowed my record player’s needle and nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happened to me, nothing’s happe
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
“Because of the number of nerve endings, a hangnail is among the most painful things a human can experience.” but the nurse completely ignored me and rudely continued telling my wife to push through the contractions.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
dumbledore: you know what this spot needs
hogwarts gardener: rose bu-
dimbledore: a tree that kills students
hogwarts gardener: what
dumbledore: plant the death tree
Single and divorced men in their 40’s
prefer women at their own maturity level.That explains why they date women
half their age.
All I ask is to be buried with a walkie talkie, just in case.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
I still think my biggest regret is asking a girl out, and replying “me too” after she told me she had a boyfriend
Pirate Clark Kent: *takes off eye patch*
Pirate Lois Lane: OMG
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
I said I was mad at myself.
My 4yo son looked at me. “There are fancier words for mad,” he said, fixing my hair. “You should say irritated.”
Apparently those velvet ropes next to bouncers are not an invitation to limbo.
I love you…
…r dog.
If you thought the Dalai Lama giggled alot, then you obviously never met the Mwahaharajah
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Wife: I think we need a break.
*Titanic crashes into iceberg*Husband: THAT WHAT YOU WANTED?
Wife: Yes.
PARENTING TIP: Never, at any time or under any circumstance, say yes.
[egg store]
Me: what kinda eggs are these?
Clerk: chicken eggs
Me: u got dog eggs?
Clerk [holdin up a sign saying meet me out back in 5]: no
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers
I hope when I get old, my motorized wheelchair is fast enough the catch the ice cream truck.
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.
Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby
Me: It’s Abby
Therapist: That’s what you think