Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
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Having a backup terrible idea is crucial.
I saw a lady at the gym on the exercise bike, wearing a helmet. So I put on a life jacket and got on the treadmill next to her.
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
Inflation pfft, the worst part of going shopping is all the stupid people in the store.
“I’m a copy-editor”
– boring
– who cares
– what does that even mean“I am here to right what has gone wrong”
– mysterious
– ominous
– maybe you have a sword
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
[at work party]
Hey Bill…weird, have you always been a scotch guy?
Bill (eating directly from tape dispenser): I stick with it.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
“Excuse the mess; we had guests,” I graciously explain, leaving out the “five months ago” part.
Customer: you don’t want to see me when I’m mean
Me: I don’t want to see you when you’re happy either!
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
Being a mother is truly a gift. My son surprised me by stopping in to visit yesterday. Last night when I went to watch TV, I no longer had one.
Already cringing thinking of the number of holiday cards that will be sent this year of families wearing coordinated facial masks.
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
lawyer: hey can you fax that over to me?
Me: sorry we don’t do fax where I am
lawyer: where are you?
me: 2018
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
My child who doesn’t like pickles: *sees me eating a pickle* can I have a pickle?
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
My EarPods died 5 minutes into my walk so I’m going home to watch TV. It was a sign. Exercise is stupid.
I believe the plural is “milves.”
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
Nothing worse than a reduced love sausage
One day you’re partying until last call and then before you know it you’re genuinely upset when someone parks in front of your house