*posts selfie with full makeup and 3 filters*
Caption:
I’m so sick, I feel like dog crap & I look sooooo gross
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“Why don’t traffic cops wear pullovers?” and other questions that I ponder at 3:30 a.m.
Save money this Halloween by utilizing last years’ hobo costume to dress up as this year’s federal employee.
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
*puts water bottle across the room to force myself to move*
*dies*
[1st date]
Her: I have a confession. [Sigh] Sometimes, I see dead people.
Me: [An idiot zombie, taking off my disguise] What a RELIEF.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
I have eaten 10 relaxation candles and I don’t feel relaxed???
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
Since Hemsworth didn’t go for Thanos’s head, Avengers: Infinity War is a Chris miss movie.
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
Google maps: You’ve arrived.
Me: *fluffs hair* I know! Right?
I don’t make the same mistake twice.
I make it at least 5-6 times to be sure.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
Which one of you shrunk all of my jeans?
pelicons
ME: No, no, no! I’m not saying they necessarily DID exist at the same time! What I’m saying is, IF they did, then Captain Hook and Scar from Lion King WOULD’VE been best friends!
MY CAT: *meow*
ME: Delusional how?
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
[gazing into The mirror of Erised]
Harry Potter: *sees his dead parents that he’s never met*
Ron Weasley: *sees a Taco Bell opening in Diagon Alley*
Which word do you think would make a pretty baby name if it didn’t mean what it meant? I’m going with Omelette.
this… may be the greatest story ever told
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
“What should we call the 5th month?”
May I suggest-
“Great suggestion. May it is”
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
The local kid haircut place (the kind where you sit in cars and planes) closed unexpectedly for a month and all the little kids are wandering around town looking like Tom Hanks in Castaway right before he built that raft
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.