*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
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My son just said there was too much cheese on his quesadilla. I don’t understand where I went wrong.
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
Things I’ve Said On The Phone This Week
“Sorry. I’m heavy-breathing because I’m trying to stake a canopy”
“The shell of a turtle is basically the turtle’s rib cage. A turtle cannot be dragged out of its shell.”
“Please. Don’t ask questions. Just take some zucchini.”
Friend: Can you drive me to work next week?
Me: What time?
F: 6 AM
M: 6 AM?! Hold on….
*pushes my car off a bridge*
M: I’m back. No.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
ceo: our customers are demanding ziploc seals for all of our bagged foods
product engineer: ok do you want me to make them easy to open
ceo: lol no
Cop: We’re going to charge you with battery
Terminator: Oh you’re a life saver, I’m on 3%
Him: So whattayou wanna do?
Her: I dunno
Him: So…You wanna play video games?
Her: No!
Him: So…You wanna watch me play video games?
Not having money is a great way to not lose any money.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
Probably should schedule my next dentist appt for this week since I ate some street corn last night and this may be the only time I floss this year.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
When your best mate counts as a desk too
Her: So when you said you were going to make me happy using just your mouth…
Me: *putting down microphone* BEATBOXING IS A GIFT SARAH
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
seems fine
The best way to refuse a credit card telemarketer is to tell them you’re unemployed. Guarantees them hanging up within seconds.
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: you could say I made a *looks to camera* grave mistake
man: and her body has been stolen
me: that’s a *winks* grave miss take
man: and someone spilled drink on her coffin
me: *slurping straw* that’s a grave milkshake
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
There’s a lady on my NextDoor app who likes to jump into long threads and write “can we please stop talking about this” with increasing frustration while everyone ignores her and I love her so much
Relationship advice:
Find someone who likes (or dislikes) the same amount of air-conditioning as you, and stick with them.
Quick befoure all the Americans wake up let’s add a loaud of U’s to moure words
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else