*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
You Might Also Like
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
[Police station]
Me: “Not sure what why you guys arrested me. I guess I just have one of those faces. Huh.”
Cop: “That’s right buddy, and if we don’t get it back to the transplant center by noon, they won’t be able to operate. So hand it over, capiche?”
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
At my funeral, throw my urn into the crowd and whoever catches it dies next.
[young Santa Claus’s dating profile] looking for a girl who loves snow, living in perpetual darkness and cooking for thousands of elf slaves
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
I’m alone and trying to fasten a bracelet, so I’ll be 3 hours late for work.
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
[At maternity ward]
Me: is this where babies are delivered
Nurse: Yes
Me: You ought to be ashamed. Babies need their livers
*raises hand* is it bc of the gravity
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
I’m sorry to hear your uncle was run over by a boat in Venice. My gondolences.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
You’re telling me that you paid eight dollars for a cup of coffee…
They don’t put any booze in it or nothin?
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
This orange juice says shake well before drinking.
*shakes juice and puts back in fridge then opens beer
No, it’s totally fine grandma. Nobody else needs to use the stairs today
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
You don’t know rock bottom until someone tries to tickle your neck fat.
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
My mom had a “sex talk” with me when I was 14 or 15. It was before my piano lesson and she said, “NEVER TRUST BOYS. THEY ONLY WANT ONE THING” then walked away without ever saying what it was.
So every time a classmate asked to look at my notes, I slapped the shit out of him.
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?