*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
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Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
In nature, bright colours are warnings of venom. Therefore, carrots are poison
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Sometimes when the hubs isn’t motivated to do yard work I’ll lie and say guests are arriving soon…my man’s hidin behind a mower in no time
*walks into room, turns chair around backwards & sits down with arms crossed on it*
hey kids…I’m here to talk about how chairs confuse me
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
In movies guys are always like “ohh this girl’s so adorably clumsy. You can’t help falling in love with her” but in real life guys are always like “go home, Diane. You’re drunk.”
If you’re under the age of 25, you have no rights in saying: Back in the day.
You haven’t seen the light of day, kiddo.
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
I have obtained a hat
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
Shaggy: look out, it’s a gh-gh-gh-ghost!
Fred: there’s no such thing as ghosts
Scrappy Doo, a literal talking dog: yea shaggy
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
My dog just kicked open my bedroom door like I owe her rent.
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
I’m going to donate these clothes I don’t wear anymore to charity after I drive them around in the trunk of my car for eight months.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.
Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…
Interviewer: Strengths?
Me: Vocabulary?
Be specific when saying “BYOB”:
[bursts into house]
Hey, I brought beers!
*7 pastors wives shut their Bibles disapprovingly*
My medical bracelet just says “Call 911” because people are idiots
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
Thank Satan it’s Monday.