Whenever I think my kids are difficult I try to put it in perspective and think at least they didn’t drink nail polish like my sister did when she was a baby.
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*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Trying to get home and now I have to complete a side quest
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
Life is like a box of chocolates: Eventually it will kill your dog.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
The next Mission Impossible movie is about Tom Cruise trying to reach a cup in the cabinet above his oven without a step stool.
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.
*trapped in a sinking car*
I should call 911
*car fills with water*
Ugh I hate phone calls
*head barely above water*
Can I just text them
there should be an opposite of valentine’s day where you post instagram photos of your enemy
Girlfriend: “I’m pregnant”
Me: “Really? Thats great.”
GF: “April Fo–”
*I’m already on a plane to a non extradition country*
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
I got a gumball machine for my 11th birthday. It was like saying, “Hey I got you a gift but you have to pay $.10 every time you want to play with it.”
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
ME: I’ve been shot
MEDIC: put pressure on the wound
ME: ok, wound, are you saving for your child’s tuition because education is important
Dad: People overcome adversity all the time. Look at Beethoven. They told him he was deaf, but did he listen?
Me: *never blinks again*
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
I don’t want a sugar mama but maybe a sugar buddy. I just hit her up like “hey how are you today?” And she replies “Doing great, thanks for asking here’s seven grand.” 💰
I didn’t know why the doctor prescribed me mushrooms for my constipation until I saw the dragon and shat myself.
#RubbishJokes #Puns #DoctorJokes
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
My first act as governor? Switching the tornado sirens out with C&C Music Factory’s Everybody Dance Now.
“I wouldn’t.”