Guy jogging pushing stroller for two kids. But only one there. Don’t think he knows he lost one.
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Winnie the Pooh is an addict who doesn’t wear pants and lives in the woods. If he were a person, he’d be the first suspect in every crime.
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
From a friend in the Nat’l lPark Service. They’ve thought this through.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Need this in my life lol
GEORGE WASHINGTON: We should put “We Trust In God” on our money
THOMAS JEFFERSON: Great idea. Did you get that?
YODA (taking notes): Yep
[an octopus seeing a snake for the first time]
OMG a foot!
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
I never rule out murder as the crime, even when it’s jaywalking.
This rocks
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
Today, a man looked me right in the face & said “You’re not hot!”
Actually it was a cop &he said “Here’s your ticket. Have a nice evening.”
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
Dog: *sneezes*
Me: “God bless you.”
Dog: “I thought you were an atheist.”
Me: “Since when can you talk?”
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: “Thank you.”
Me: “That’s better.”
Dating in your early 20’s:
Show me your abs and buy me beer.Dating in your 40’s:
Show me your credit score, latest bloodwork, proof of vasectomy, divorce papers and medicine cabinet.
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
THIS SHIT HAS ME DEAD 😭
What I say and what I mean are three different things.
Nephew: What’s love?
Me: Well, all the women text you except the one you like. And it hurts, so we drink.
Sister: Get away from him!
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
ME: I’m dead inside.
THERAPIST: How does that make you feel?
ME: Dead inside. Jesus, is this your first fuckin day?
Does the acting in porn have to be THAT bad? I’m not looking for any Meryl Streep performances, but c’mon.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.