*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
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“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
What
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
I had a cat and a Beta fish once. Then I left my apartment for a minute. After that I had a cat.
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work
At what age do humans become manipulative pieces of shit? Is it three? Feels like it’s three.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
Nothing says disinterest more than The Flash being late for a Justice League meeting
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
My name is Leon but some of you know me by my street name, 9th avenue.
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
[chameleon tries on pants in a dressing room]
Salesgirl outside the door: How do you look?
Chameleon looking in mirror: I have no idea
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
“Hey! Guess what just popped in my head?!?” — My dying words if I had an aneurysm
*posts Social Security number on social media*
*hopes someone steals his identity and pays off his mortgage*
🎵 Like a good neighbor, stay over there!! 🎶