Dinner is ready!
-my smoke detector
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Your Google Self-Driving car should be taken away if you don’t let your dog sit in the driver’s seat while you hold a map riding shotgun.
Whoever coined the term sticktoitiveness really got away with some bullshit there
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
Me: Dear Santa…
Santa: *scrolling my TL*
I’m going to just stop you right there.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Are you from iraq? …..cause i wanna see you baghdad ass up
A couple who are silly together stay together.
(Flintstones theme song)
ninjas
turtle ninjas
they’re a teenage mutant family
with their
master splinter
they’re about to save new york city
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
*Adds broccoli to recipe for the health benefits*
*Picks broccoli out while eating it*
“I don’t have this many cats to sleep alone,” I yell threateningly down the hall to my cats who are all sleeping in the living room.
#damn
Unicorn
(ꪀ.) A single piece of corn.
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
friend: can i tell you something
me: give me the double vhs titanic version sis
[dangling from a cliff] now let’s do a silly one
a new guy joined our group last night and he was taller than me and I joked “dang I’m used to being the tall one of the group” and he whispered in my ear “now you’re just the loud one” ???
Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
“Are you a cop? You have to tell me if you’re a cop.”
“I’m a cop.”
“So you’re a cop AND a gun dealer? Random, but okay let’s do this shit”
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
my kindergarten teacher taught me to always put glitter in cards when i mail them. in case you’re wondering why i’m so diabolical
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Namaste
My 8yo wants to make her tween sister’s birthday cake. My tween is mad because she wants to make her own cake. I suggested she have 2 birthday cakes and now everyone is upset.
Apparently the solution to all life’s problems is not more cake.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*