@prodigalsam: Poured my cat some almond milk & now she has bangs & drives a Prius.
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@YayForJam: Anyone who's voice doesn't jump a few octaves when talking to a puppy probably kills people for a living
@Fred_Delicious: "HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??" Me [from basement, out of breath] "what"
@TheHyyyype: ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no