@prodigalsam: Poured my cat some almond milk & now she has bangs & drives a Prius.
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@Thedudish: If God had a sense of humor, he would have asked Noah to bring a pair of termites on board.
@Gre_Gone: [loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] "OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?" *ducks try to play it cool*
@GABBYdaAngSaya: Her: Couldn't you have picked a better record to beat? Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There's no way this can end badly, Susan.
@causticbob: Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.