[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
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“I’m hungover”
– Lame
– Big deal
– Get off the couch“The gods have punished me for my indulgences”
– Oh damn
– That sounds serious
– Shall I prepare a healing poultice?
No thanks, Trix cereal. I have enough drama in my life without a rabbit trying to steal my breakfast.
I like crazy people until they notice me
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
Lady, your baby needs to chill. This is MY Binky. I found it fair and square after “someone” threw it on the ground. Finders keepers.
[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
A hippo’s favourite desert is hippopota-mousse.
#MousseDay #RubbishJokes
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
Brad Pitt and I had a handsome contest and the loser had to adopt a bunch of kids.
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Me: Where do you think you’re going? I did NOT give you permission to go out!
My back: I’m grown! You can’t tell me what to do! I can go out when and where I want to!
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
Don’t spend money on body modification. If you wait long enough, your body modifies itself for free.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
why just edible underwear? why not an entire edible wardrobe? i wanna eat a parka off my wife before sex
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away