[Pours goldfish into aquarium]
You’re free now“Mom? You know those are just crackers, right?”
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[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
Butterflies? I want a man who gives me Mothra
CIA DIRECTOR: if u take this deep undercover assignment, u will have to give up ur own name forever
STUART GIGGLEDICK: not an issue, sir
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
You ever leave cardboard on the frozen pizza, and it starts smoking, and your family bans you from using appliances because you burn shit up?
Me neither.
If you work for UPS or FedEx, you speak Parceltongue.
Daughter saw old clothes I’ve saved for sentimental value & said ‘I bet you cried when the last dinosaur died too’. She’s out of the will.
“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
Everyone: backing into parking spaces is stupid
Person who backs into parking spaces: the world is not ready for my level of ingenuity
[batteries in my TV remote die for the first time since I bought it 4 years ago]
“Useless piece of shit.”
Boss: We need you to go undercover
Me: No problem I’m great at keeping secrets like when I peed my pants on my first day here
Boss: Today’s your first day
The only thing worse than a mandatory office get together, is a virtual mandatory office get together
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
barbie baked bread before becoming bamboozled by bearded beavers
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem
[two coworkers walk into my office]
Coworkers: Hey! It’s your two favorite people here to ask you a question!
Me: Where?
[2019 USA]
“Where are you from?”-Trumpsylvania, how about you?
“North Trumpkota”
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
*notices my tinder match has “catholic” in their bio*
me: so how long have u been addicted to cats
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
“Yes Wiccan!” -inspirational witches
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Therapist: What might you say to your husband next time you’re having this communication issue?
Me: I’m sorry your parents never taught you to use your big boy words but that is not my job so get it together
Therapist: No