Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
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I can’t stop watching this.
There are no sleep rules anymore. If you’re sleepy, you just sleep. It doesn’t matter if it’s an appropriate nap time or not. It doesn’t matter if you sleep 2 or 6 hours. Literally no one is policing this.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
How do I tell my kid the tooth fairy needs $15 change for the $20 she left under his pillow?
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
Called my boss this morning and asked if I can come a little later in to work.
He replied with: “Dream on!”
That’s very nice of him, right?
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
If I’ve already used “For sure”, “Right?”, “No kidding” and “Seriously”, your story has gone on too long. I am out of responses.
If you never used that plastic thing that keeps pizza from sticking to the box lid as GI Joe’s poker table you’re too mature for me.
Mickey Mouse’s pants out of context look like something that would try to kill Mario.
10: Mom, would you hand me some gum?
Me: Sure, what flavor?
10: Swordmint
Me:
10: Sharpmint
Me:
10:
Me: Spearmint?
10: YES!
Relationship status: the extended car warranty guy told me to stop calling him.
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
I went on a date last night!
It went really well…up until the moment the couple realized I was following them & promptly called the cops.
Bank robber: Follow my instructions and no one gets hurt.
Me: Okay.
Bank robber: Empty the safe and put it in the bag!
Me: Put the empty safe in the bag?
Bank robber: Do you want me to draw my gun?
Me: Okay. I’ll get you a pencil.
barber: your hair is so dry
pavlov: i forgot to condition it
If you collect the crumbs from one Nature Valley granola bar you can make three more granola bars.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
ME: My favorite was always Raphael, but I liked Donatello a lot too
DATE: Aww so you were a big fan as a kid?
ME *pulling my credit card from my Ninja Turtles wallet*: Hmm?