My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
You Might Also Like
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.
THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.
ME: Show your enemy two quarters.
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
“Nine Foods You Should Never Eat Again”
Also known as the contents of my refrigerator.
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
My autopsy is going to be surprising as hell because I am 100% filled with mashed potatoes
don’t eat yellow snow is a pretty sound rule but i would warn against eating any kind of weather
i meant to text, “i’m a hopeless romantic”, but auto correct changed it to, “i’m a homeless romantic”, which confirms auto correct knows me better than i know myself
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
ME [about to be murdered at work]: haha this is a no kill shelter
GRIM REAPER: well shit
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
No thank you free mattress on the side of the road, I prefer to get my crabs the old fashioned way, by sleeping with complete strangers.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Based on the sounds coming from my neighbors’ house, they’re either having amazing sex or putting together a dresser from Ikea.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
When people say “May I ask who’s calling?” I like to say “Sure, go ahead.”
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
The answer is funnier than the question
Me: You got that talent from me!
13yo: Don’t take credit for my genuis!
I just discovered that Flemish rabbits are pregnant for only one month but my jealousy went away when I found out they give birth to litters of 5-12 at a time, I guess I’ll stick to being human
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
living with roommates is fun because you get to learn what their parents think should be refrigerated
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.
found this sweet little abandoned chocolate lab at the park today