I’m not ever going back to a class reunion again, last time there were just a bunch of old people there.
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i love leggings with pockets because i can carry my keys, two chicken burritos, and remnants of my dignity
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”
melted five butterfingers together and made a butterfist
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
“TGIM!” – My liver
I’m so lazy, if I got kidnapped I’d just think, “Well, this is where I live now.”
I don’t care if you have a thousand pens at home already, when someone offers you a pen YOU TAKE THAT PEN
EMOTICON GUIDE
🙂 I’m happy
😉 Having a seizure. Still happy
:/ Having a stroke. Not happy
🙁 I’m a grouper
.) Lost an eye. Still happy
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
WIFE: let’s get a rhododendron
ME: I hate dinosaurs no thanks
WIFE: it’s not a dinosaur
ME: What is it?
WIFE: it’s hard to describe without a thesaurus
ME: I said no dinosaurs
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
Chips are not only delicious, but if you crunch them loud enough you can’t hear your children anymore.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
[DUI checkpoint]
Cop: I’m gonna need you to follow my finger
Me: As long as it doesn’t tweet inspirational stuff
[doorbell]
“Sir, do you believe Jesus died for your sins?”
“No.”
“Why not?”
“He died like 2000 years ago.”
“So?”
“I’m 46. Do the math.”
Meow
Who needs clocks when my dog’s digestive system can nail time with pinpoint accuracy
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
PriGOzhin? More like PriWENTzhin.
Apologies to my husband for the things I muttered about him when I thought he’d finished my chocolate
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Batman cuts off a seemingly innocuous driver in the Batmobile, only to deal with the driver later, with the help of Superman #ChangingBanes
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.