Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
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If I ever disappear and my family notices that my house is clean, they will know for sure I was murdered and someone had to clean up the crime scene.
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Friend: What do you like most about Adele?
Me: Have you seen her work/life balance? She works for 6 months then disappears for 5 years.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
Why is called “emotional baggage” and not a “griefcase”?
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT IN THE TWEET BELOW
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
As a parent, you learn to accept you can’t run away from your problems. They will find you. And they will demand fruit snacks.
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
Little Orphan Annie’s song “The Sun Will Come Out Tomorrow” is a little insensitive to the population of Norway.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
“I’m the only cop on the force who can play the bassoon dammit” “Not anymore” New cop in sunglasses walks in, just killing it on the bassoon
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
I bet if you walked up to any table at a restaurant and said “Good afternoon folks” they will let you take their order.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
[being stabbed]
me: please, just do one thing for me…
murderer: I know, I know…delete your browser history. I’ve heard that 4 times today
[Me in hospital bed]
My wife: How is he?
Dr: He was dead for 15m
Wife remembering “Til death do us part” in our wedding vows:*pumps fist
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
We like the way Dwight thinks
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
HER: Boxers or briefs?
ME: Depends
HER: Really? But you look so young.
If I were a Greek philosopher, my name would be Mediocrites.