Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
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I put my pants on like everybody else: in constant fear that my button will surrender to the intense pressure it’s under.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
*hands you baby*
Here’s your Christmas present I got it at the mall but it didn’t come with a gift receipt & people may be looking for it.
Ghost Hunters would be a million times better show if it were about HUNTERS who are GHOSTS.
[Witches Kitchen]
Mama: I made you a birthday cake and I used pig blood so it’s nice and moist
Daughter: wow okay that’s gross
Mama: what, I thought you liked pig blood?
Daughter: oh I do, but stop saying moist
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
I’m here because I’ve been in therapy for 6 years, and all I do there is lie.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
PSYCHATRIST: wat do u see
ME: a rorschach test
PSYCHATRIST: and this one?
ME: a inkblot used to test my psyche
PSYCHATRIST: (starts sweatig)
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
It’s ‘before’ not ‘B4’…
We don’t speak Bingo here…
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
[chiropractor]
Dr., your client Tony is here
-Tony? The guy whose skin is made of bubble wrap
Yes
-Oh hell yes clear the rest of my schedule
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
SPOUSE: No.
ME: It’s just a costume.
SPOUSE: You’re not going to your parents’ Halloween party as “the child they wished they had.”
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
I hope you catch the bouquet at my funeral.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
My sister on holiday with the kids, they had a few cute ‘towel animals’ left on the bed during the week but just came back to this
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
Cop: so you went out to pick up some fruit when, out of nowhere, 3 ghosts attacked you?
Pac-man [wipes tears]: 4. It was 4 ghosts